THE MINUTE the ads of Swift Boat Veterans for Truth had begun to draw blood, the Democrats attacked them as a giant, malevolent plot. The same plot, drawn up by a diabolical genius of unsurpassed malice and cunning, that has been causing Democrats trouble for so many years now, always unwarranted, always malicious, and always unfair. In today's Democratic imagination, there are no political accidents, no spontaneous movements, no genuine issues, and never a genuine weakness in a candidate. There are only diversions, cooked up and cleverly sold to a gullible public, "dirty tricks" supervised by conniving Republican masterminds, and schemes to undermine democracy.

The first instinct of Democrats during the recall election that claimed the political life of California governor Gray Davis last year was to call it the latest phase in a Republican plot to subvert the government--the previous ones being a redistricting effort by Texas Republicans, the recount in Florida after the 2000 election, and the impeachment of Clinton two years before that. But it was the Democrats who pioneered and perfected the art of destroying a foe through sexual harassment claims.

And removing Clinton would only have helped Democrats, as it would have transferred power to Al Gore who would no doubt have been elected easily in 2000, as an incumbent riding a wave of peace and prosperity, minus Clinton's many embarrassing problems. In the Florida recount, it is certainly true that eyes were gouged and crotches kneed by all sides. But it was not the deviously gifted Republicans who weeks before the election assembled battalions of lawyers in 20 key states, drew up elaborate plans to litigate the election results, flew a planeload of lawyers into Tallahassee in the early morning after the election, and sent Gore's campaign manager into the state to declare, with Bush ahead, and with no recounts yet started, that the state should be "awarded" to Gore. And the plan to change the congressional districts in Texas to favor Republicans? It would indeed be outrageous, if it were not an effort to undo an equally outrageous redistricting 10 years ago that drew them to favor the Democrats. (The best solution would be to erase congressional districts all over the country and replace them with a grid of square boxes. But I digress.) As for the recall in California, Democrats claim it had nothing to do with the monstrous unpopularity of Governor Davis, and everything to do with a desire to put a Republican in a statehouse then held by the Democrats. But when the recall petition was announced, there was no guarantee that Arnold Schwarzenegger would enter the contest, much less win it.

The problem with all of these charges is that they (1) involve things that are perfectly legal (provisions for impeachment and recall are in the federal and state constitutions), (2) involve tactics earlier used or invented by Democrats, or (3) concern events that might easily have ended up helping Democrats. This is a plot?

Most of the charges against the Republicans fall under the heading "dirty tricks." A "dirty trick" is any tactic used against Democrats in an election they later lose. Dirty tricks are invariably orchestrated by a dark genius (think Karl Rove or Lee Atwater), who has the power to exert mind control over vast populations. Usually, the trick consists of hanging a lantern on a glaring flaw in a Democrat that anyone not a Democrat could already spot miles away.